The Abba Cry

While there's nothing "official" to report on the adoption front, I did want to take a moment to pass along a wonderful article from July's issue of Christianity Today. It is titled, "Abba Changes Everything: Why every Christian is called to rescue orphans." The article was written by Dr. Russell Moore, the author of Adopted for Life, a beautiful book that should be read by anyone with even the slightest desire to adopt.

The article seems long at first, but is a quick read that gave me goosebumps and misty eyes at many points. Even if you're someone who in no way feels called to adopt, this article remains a poignant reminder of the gorgeous truth behind our own adoptions into God's family and the subsequent call to care for the orphans and widows among us [James 1:27].

"Adoption is, on one hand, gospel. Our identity and inheritance are grounded in our adoption in Christ. Adoption is also mission. In this, our adoption spurs us to join Christ in advocating for the poor, the marginalized, the abandoned, and the fatherless...

In saying that orphan care is missional, I do not mean that every Christian is called to adopt or foster a child. But every Christian is called to care for orphans. As with every aspect of Christ's mission, a diversity of gifts abounds. Some have room at their table and in their hearts for another stocking on the mantle by this coming Christmas. Others are gifted financially to help families who would like to adopt but cannot figure out how to make ends meet. Others can babysit while families with children make their court dates and complete home-study papers. Still others can lead mission trips to rock and hug and sing to orphans who may never be adopted. Pastors can simply ask whether anyone in their congregation might be called to adopt or foster parent, or to empower someone who is. And all of us can pray—specifically and urgently—for orphans the world over."

I encourage you to read the full article this week! Just click on the title here: "Abba Changes Everything: Why every Christian is called to rescue orphans"

In closing, it is with a grateful heart that I thank you all for your continuing prayers and support of Joel and me as we listen for God's voice.

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.
-Galatians 4:6-7

The Adoption Option

After several months of being unsure of what path to take, followed by a two-month break, Joel and I are officially taking this week to pray specifically about adoption. The notion of adopting has begun to weigh heavier and heavier on my heart. So many seemingly small things have happened...things I've seen, things I've read, things people have said to me, things I've remembered...that collectively are pulling me closer and closer toward adoption. But that is me. This decision can only be made in partnership with my husband, who is profoundly rational and intelligent (much needed qualities when you're married to someone like me). And it can only be made after a strong pursuit of God's will. Only He knows if we're meant to have kids. And only He knows from where.

There are so many unknowns. So many decisions. So many dollar signs, involved in the adoption process. It's enough to make you a perpetual procrastinator. But now's the time to get serious. And so we're seriously praying. It would mean so much if you could support us this week by lifting us up in prayer, as we navigate this huge life decision. Rest assured, details will soon follow once a decision is made...

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
-James 1:27

Gratitude

Well hello, friends. It's been a while! When Joel and I decided to take a "break" from all things baby, I never really intended to also take a break from blogging. But alas, that is what happened. Thanks to a dear friend, I am officially back in the blogosphere. It is always nice to know when one is missed. Thanks, Steph.

So much has happened since my last post, and yet I'm having trouble finding something to write about. Part of it is that I am exhausted just thinking about the last six weeks. I don't want to relive most of them, even in writing. I just want to gloss over them and move forward because for the most part they were dirty, messy, unorganized, stressful, and I'm quite certain they shaved days, if not weeks, off my life. Having just written those last lines, I am starkly reminded of how God has been shedding His light in some of the darkest corners of my soul throughout our home renovation. There's something about tearing your house apart and finding what's really inside that forces you to do the same with your soul. So here goes...a confession of sorts.

I am impatient.

I am far too concerned with outward appearances.

I am afraid of what others may think of me.

I don't like confrontation.

I have tendencies to push things under the rug and pretend like they never happened.

I hate messes.

I hate disorganization.

I worry too much, stress too much, clean too much.

I strive for perfection and dwell on flaws.

I allow my priorities to shift when life gets busy...and it's not a good shift.

I am lacking grace. Grace for myself. Grace for others.

I have a long way to go.

I love and appreciate my husband and need to show him that more often...especially in crazy times like these.

I am starting to sound like a freak.

The fact of the matter is that God sees this list and loves me all the more. I see this list and feel unlovable. Like I need to run home and make sure my husband is real, and that his love for me isn't just the result of an 8-year fever. And then I just become grateful. Grateful that despite my flaws, I am still loved. Loved by the God who made me. Loved by the family that raised me. Loved by the husband who is committed to me. Loved by the friends who have supported me. It seems that every day brings a new realization, a new challenge, and a new lesson on this road of life. If it weren't for the love that I am so undeserving of, I absolutely do not know where I would be.

I am also grateful for our new abode, despite not wanting to relive the last six weeks within its walls. In the end, it's the last six weeks that turned those walls into a home. It's the blood, sweat and tears of our friends and family helping us along the way. It's the marriage growing stronger as two very different minds try to communicate and find ways to agree on something...anything.

So I'm learning that just as we've allowed our friends and family inside to rebuild the walls of our home and paint them with vibrant new colors, I need to open the door to Christ so he can rebuild me and color my life with renewed vibrancy.

This is love: not that we loved God, but the he loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
-1 John 4:10

Fetch

While on this roller coaster of a thing called my life, I am always in search of things that remain constant. Things that I can look to as a reminder that life, while completely and utterly perplexing and chaotic at times, will be OK. Things that make me reflect, smile, appreciate.

Yesterday, while playing with my dog during the lunch hour, I found myself smiling, laughing, loving life. Such a simple thing...playing with my dog. She is a constant joy. She's the one who cannot contain her excitement when she sees my eyes open in the morning. She's the one who, by some miracle, makes me laugh at 6:00am as we set out for our morning jog. And although my body wants to be back in bed, I count myself blessed to be the witness of such glee and exuberance...at such an ungodly hour.

I also realized something important while playing with Taylor yesterday. An analogy. Or perhaps an epiphany of sorts. In watching her run full-tilt after a tennis ball, pouncing on it with everything she has, and ecstatically running back to obediently drop it at my feet (over and over and over again), I realized how this can serve as a parallel to what my relationship with God should be like. Repeatedly in life, God throws me something...a lemon, a curve ball, you name it. Do I joyfully run after it? Do I tackle it? And most importantly, do I bring it back to God and lay it at His feet? Sometimes. But not all the time. Too often I'm like one of those dogs who frustrates their owner by making a half-ass effort toward the ball. I stop when I get there, hover over it, glance back at the owner just to see if he's paying attention. Then I grab the ball, run the other way, and decide to lay in the shade and do as I please. Sometimes I gnaw on the ball. Sometimes I try to bury it. If the owner tries to come near or persuade me to come back, I often hop to my feet and start a game of keep-away. I want the control. I think I know how the game should be played. But that's not what the owner intended when he threw the ball, is it? No, no.

With every lemon and every curve ball, God intends to teach me, shape me. He intends to exercise my muscles of faith. He desires for me to trust Him enough that I'll actually come back, lay my slobbery mess at His feet, and allow Him to throw another. And another. And He hopes that I will even find joy in it. Joy through the lessons, through the overcoming, through the people I pass on may way to and from.

Praise God for simple and constant truths. Praise Him for His constant truth...and constant pursuit of me.

And now for a visual representation of my epiphany. I hope these photos make you smile...




"...This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."
-Nehemiah 8:10

Oui, s'il vous plaît

I would like to take this moment to thank God for the French. Specifically for their mad pastry skills. Pastries, especially those made with fruit, are my weakness. They are more enticing than chocolate. More tempting than shoes. And cheaper, too!

The heavenly berry tart you see in this photo was my lunch today. My entire lunch. While standing in line at a French cafe yesterday, waiting for a loaf of bread and a cup of soup, a fresh platter full of these berry tarts came out of the kitchen and into my life. Sadly, I couldn't justify buying one at the time. And by the grace of God I was able to walk away. Only to have this life-changing, tart-justifying idea...

Every time Aunt Flo comes to town (ladies, you know what I mean), I will drive straight to my little French cafe and order a berry tart. I am so excited about my genius plan that I am actually looking forward to her next visit.

It's the little things in life...

Celebrating Moms

Today, I think fondly of my mom. My mommy, my madre, my mamacita...or just my ma. She goes by many names. I love her for who she is and for all that she's done in my life and continues to do. She's my friend and cheerleader. She gives the best hugs. She gets more beautiful with age. She's had her share of heartaches in life, but that's made her stronger, wiser, more compassionate. I admire her immensely. It's an honor to be her daughter. I am so grateful...I love you, ma!

While my heart brims with thankfulness today for the amazing women in my life, it must also endure a few twinges of pain. When I wasn't pregnant last Mother's Day, I thought to myself...no biggie, surely by next Mother's Day I will be celebrating. I'll be part of the club. I'll be one of the many gals being applauded at church. And here I sit. Wondering if I should even attend a church service today. While I'm grateful for a pastoral team who is sensitive to those of us suffering through infertility on Mother's Day, I just don't know if I can sit in a room full of beaming mothers and growing bellies. Sometimes you just have to sit one out for the sake of your sanity. Today might be one of those times.

It's often difficult to articulate the feelings that come with Mother's Day. On the one hand you celebrate, on the other you grieve. So here is a blog post from a fellow woman who understands the grieving part. Thank you dear Katie, for sending this along to me: For Those With Empty Arms on Mother's Day

And for all you mom's out there, squeeze your little ones extra tight today. Say an extra 'thank you' for the miraculous blessing of their lives.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
-Psalm 34:18

Just Say 'No'

Well, it appears as though Joel and I are going to camp out at the intersection of our crossroads for a while. Several things happened over the last week that ultimately led to an emotional meltdown this morning (yep, another one). It's officially time to say 'no' to something. Time to clear the plate and focus on one thing at a time. Being only three weeks away from moving into our new abode and beginning our remodeling project, we are choosing to focus on the house. We are both tired, frazzled and cross-eyed. One minute we're discussing hard wood floors and kitchen cabinetry, the next minute we're trying to decide which of the 15 different paths we should take to figure out what the heck is wrong with me (reproductively speaking...although many would argue differently). Then the next minute we're sifting through adoption agencies and filling out pre-application forms. Mentally, emotionally, and financially it's just time to step back. Take a deep breath. Focus on the house. ENJOY the house. Enjoy each other's company.

In choosing the house, Joel and I have chosen to take a couple months off from all things baby. Alas, I am packing up the thermometer and ovulation predictor strips. As for the pregnancy tests, if I hadn't paid good money for them I'd just as soon throw them away...or maybe burn them. Yes, burning them would be glorious. Die HPT's! Die!! But no, those will be packed up, too. Maybe someday they will decide to play nice. Until then...onward we go. Finally on the same page. Finally pointed in the same direction. Finally with the time and space to think. To process. To pray. And to once again lean fully on a mysterious, yet mighty God.

Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy.
-Psalm 126:5

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight.
-Proverbs 3:5-6