There and Back Again: A Hassenzahl's Tale...

When Joel and I bought each other hiking backpacks as wedding gifts nearly seven years ago, we had no idea where life would take us. We only knew we wanted to be taken. This is one area of our lives where the desires of our hearts have been granted. When I think of the places we've seen, the people we've met, the things we've learned...I am humbled and so very grateful.

We've had the privilege of traveling all over the world...often together, sometimes apart. And this year is no different! There's nothing quite like the exhilaration of travel to take my mind off the constant dull ache of infertility. We love Madison. And we LOVE our Madison friends so very dearly. But sometimes it's refreshing to get a reprieve from what's become the "baby bubble." To open our eyes and expand our horizons...to see that in the grand scheme of things we're not alone and we're not behind. It just feels that way living in a town and church community where seemingly 1 in 3 women are brimming with new life. It's a beautiful thing, really. Just a hard pill to swallow for us fertility-challenged couples.

After a quick jaunt to Oklahoma City for a work conference, Joel and I will be boarding a flight to Nairobi, Kenya in July. This will be our fourth trip to Kenya, and our third time spending our anniversary in an airplane over the African continent. I'd say that's pretty fitting! There's honestly no place I'd rather be on my wedding anniversary, than squished into a tiny airplane seat, sipping mediocre airline wine out of plastic cups, with my hubby and most favorite travel buddy. Truly. This is not sarcasm, folks! Shocking...I know. And to say that Joel and I are excited about this trip would be an understatement. There will be much more blogging to come regarding this adventure...stay tuned!

We will return home from Kenya on July 18th. After a couple weeks of recuperation, which generally entails a great deal of sleep and a diet solely consisting of cereal, we will pack up the car and the dog and head north. To my motherland. To my oh-so-beautiful home state of Minnesota. The lakes of Minnesota have become our summer happy place. I'm very fortunate to have parents with homes on two of the most beautiful lakes in the state. I can't wait to lie in bed, listening to the call of the loons, after a day of playing in the water, relaxing in the sun, eating too much, drinking too much...well, you get the point.

To cap off the summer, I will once again be returning to a place that's quickly becoming my home away from home. Boulder, Colorado. I love this town. I adore the friends I've made there. And the Flatirons, with the Rocky Mountains behind them, are simply awe-inspiring. And the best part of it all? My travels to Boulder are almost always for work. Thus everything is paid for...either by my company or the research institution that I collaborate with there. Bliss. In fact, the building in the photo above is one of the two facilities I "work" at when I'm in Boulder. Pretty rough, right? (Note: You may need to click on the photo to see the building clearly).

As crazy as this summer will be, the very thought of it...the places I'll be, the faces I'll see...energizes my soul and refreshes my outlook on life. I am so very blessed. And so very thankful for springtime, which unfailingly ushers in clarity and a little skip in my step.

My lover spoke to me, saying: “Arise, my darling; My beautiful one, come away with me! Look! The winter has passed, the winter rains are over and gone. The pomegranates have appeared in the land, the time for pruning and singing has come; the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree has budded, the vines have blossomed and give off their fragrance. Arise, come away my darling; my beautiful one, come away with me!”
- Song of Songs 2:10-13

Follow-Up

Well, it appears as though Courtney, the blogging mama of 11 kids who inspired yesterday's post, got quite the mix of responses to her list of questions she regarded as "poor etiquette" (most of them I repeated here).

She wrote a follow-up post today that I think is worth a read. She makes some very good points. And as a wannabe adoptive parent, I love reading what she has to say. I hope you do, too...

http://www.storinguptreasures.com/2011/04/little-more-from-yesterday.html

Etiquette

Today, I feel compelled to bring up a subject that quite frankly makes my pulse race. It's the subject of etiquette, where another person's family life and decisions are concerned. Please accept my apologies if this post comes off as a reprimand. As someone who has repeatedly and increasingly been on the receiving end of ill-placed questions and remarks, I wish only to educate and shed light on this matter.

Poor etiquette in regard to the aforementioned subject can be hurtful, even when it is well-intentioned. What individuals, couples or families go through behind closed doors is deeply personal. The decisions they make are, in the end, between themselves and God. I understand that in Christian circles, we are encouraged to be open and honest. To shed our masks and love each other just as we are. But I also believe these Christian ideals need not apply to every "Joe Shmoe" you may pass in the church hallways. As many of you know, I am very open to discussing our infertility (otherwise, I would not be writing this blog!). But I do not appreciate being put on the spot by people I barely know...people that assume this, that, and the other thing about my husband and me. You never know what people are going through. So I urge you - unless you know you are in someone's "inner circle", please think before you speak or ask questions like the following...

[Note: These questions were taken from one of my favorite bloggers, a woman named, Courtney. Mother to 11 children...six biological, five adopted. She is pretty fabulous, and knows a thing or two about this subject. I encourage you to follow her at: http://www.storinguptreasures.com/]

Things you should never say. Ever.
* Never, ever ask a women if she is pregnant. She could be overweight. She could have an illness, or she could have diastasis.

* Never ask a big family if "they know how that happens". It's crude. No one wants to discuss their sex life with a stranger.

* Never ask an adoptive family which ones are their "real kids". All children are real.

* Never ask an adoptive family if the children are "real brothers and sisters". Siblings are siblings no matter how they became that way.

* Never ask a childless couple when they are going to have kids. They could be trying. They could be infertile. They may not want children.

* Never ask a homeschooling Mom about socialization. It's laughable.

* Never say to a big family, "Your house must be huge". Usually our homes are not.

* Never say to a big family, "You must be rich!". We usually are not.

* Never ask someone how much money they make. Period.

* Never say to a Mom of a big family, "Your husband must be a doctor or lawyer". They usually are not.

* Never ask a single person why they are still single.

* Never ask if the black child in a family is from Africa. Not all black adopted children come from Africa.

* Never make a reference about The Blind Side to an adoptive family.

* Never ask a dating couple when they are going to get married.

* Never, even in jest ask a couple if they are "done". I don't care how many kids they have. It's rude.

* Never ask a woman when she is due, unless you are certain, without a doubt, that she is expecting.

* Never tell a pregnant woman how she is carrying. No one wants to know their butt has gotten bigger. Or that they are carrying "all over".

* Never tell a new Mom how to take care of her baby. She will figure it out herself like we all do.

* Never assume the gender of a baby. If you don't know, simply use the phrase "Your baby is _____________ {fill in the blank}".

* Never offer disciplinary advice to a Mom with a child who is out of control. You don't know if that child has autism, ADHD, RAD and that Mom may very well be doing the best she can.

* If a child is melting down in a public place, don't stare. Move on. Again you have no idea what that child may mentally be dealing with.

* If you see a big family pull up in a van, please no jokes about baseball teams, the circus, or a daycare.

* Never ask a homeschooling Mom how she manages to teach all of her children. Teachers have 25-35 students each day they have to teach and they aren't even her own kids.

* Never ask an adoptive family which kids are adopted. No adopted child wants to be pointed out.

* Never ask an adoptive parent how much their child "cost".

* Never make an Angelina Jolie reference to an adoptive family. None of us have nannies, personal trainers, housekeepers, and look like her after so many kids.

* Never make a Duggar reference to a big family. Most of us are nothing like them.

* Never say to a big family, "You should have your own reality TV show."

* Never tell any mother that her child is anything but adorable and perfect.

* Never say things to the older children of a big family like "You must have to work so hard." Or "It must be really hard to have all of those siblings." Our kids will look at you like you are crazy.

* If a pregnant woman looks very pregnant, never say "You look ready to pop". She may have months left to go.

* Never, ever tell a pregnant woman she looks like she is carrying twins. She probably isn't.

* Never tell a childless couple how great having a baby is. Again, they may be infertile.

* Never tell new parents all of the horror stories of being a parent.

* Never tell a newly pregnant woman all of the horror stories of birth.

* Never ask an adoptive Mom about her children's birth parents, especially in front of the child. Things like "Why didn't they want him?" or "Why was she given up?" are hurtful to the child and often times the adoptive parent prefers to keep the information on the birth parents private.

* Never ask a family who has chosen to adopt first, "When are you going to have children of your own." He is my own, damn it.

* Never say "Oh, you must be a saint for adopting these poor kids" or "Oh I hope they appreciate what you've done for them". They probably don't, just like my bio kids probably don't appreciate me giving birth to them.

On a personal note, I give you permission to call me out if the words I speak are ever hurtful or offensive, assuming or condescending in light of your current life circumstances. As Mahatma Ghandi taught me, I have to be the change I want to see in this world...

Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding.
-Proverbs 17:28

Mmm, Lemon Scones

Well, here you go! A photo of what I chose to create with my little freshly-picked Meyer Lemon: Lemon-poppy-seed-blueberry scones (from scratch...take that, Martha Stewart). Of course, served warm with the homemade marmalade I received at my friend's baby shower. YUM.

Concerning Lemons...

I attended the baby shower of a very dear friend on Saturday morning. She has been living in San Francisco for the last year, so I was thankful we had an opportunity to celebrate her while she was in Madison for work. My friend and her mother are the type of women who effortlessly make everything better. They are talented artists, incredible gardeners and landscapers, phenomenal chefs. So it was no surprise that this simple, yet elegant, baby shower looked like something straight out of a Martha Stewart magazine. The table decorations were lovely. The food was outstanding. The ambiance perfect. And the best part was that our party favors included a small jar of homemade marmalade and one beautiful lemon...fresh off of my friend's lemon tree in San Francisco.

Later that evening, I made a lovely loaf of honey-wheat bread. While it was still warm, I tried out the marmalade (made from fresh California grapefruit, oranges and lemons). It was incredible. My taste buds had found their happy place. The lemon, I tucked away in the refrigerator, where it waits for just the right recipe in which to lend its flavor.

In the background of these wonderful celebrations and taste explosions, an entirely different drama was unfolding. One that I had been keenly aware of, and fervently praying about. I was given the opportunity to use my experiences over the last two years in order to encourage someone in a very dark place. A young woman on the brink of making a life-changing choice. So as the bread was baking and my stomach was growling, I wrote a letter to a woman I had never met. It was an incredible experience. I truly felt God working in those hours of writing. It was therapy for me. And I sincerely hope my words and experiences will be a blessing to this young lady in her time of need.

It wasn't until 15 minutes ago that I realized the symbolism of this day. I was literally and figuratively given a lemon...and along with it, the opportunity to create something beautiful. This is exciting because I live in Wisconsin. The frozen tundra. Receiving a freshly-picked lemon in the middle of February is not an everyday occurrence around these parts. So the fact that I was presented with a lemon at the very moment I was about to take the "lemon" of infertility and channel it into a letter that would hopefully impact a young woman's life for the better, is just...so...perfect. And just so God.

Maybe I am reading far more into this than I should. But for now, in my crazy little world, it makes sense. It makes me happy. And it has me dreaming of all the tasty creations I can make with my sour little lemon. I will let you know what I decide!

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 8:35-39

Why?

I've been thinking a lot about a girl. A girl in a very messy situation. I do not know her name, only a small part of her story. A story that I'm technically not supposed to know, but praying to be a part of. It has me thinking about reasons and opportunities. Ways in which God's light can shine in the most tragic moments of our lives. It has me asking "why?" Because quite honestly I don't know why two perfectly healthy people in a loving marriage can't get pregnant. I don't know why young girls are robbed of their innocence. I just don't know. But I do know that no matter our situation, God does not abandon us. I know that he can, and does, bless us in the midst of it. And that the trials we face can themselves be unexpected blessings.

This afternoon I started studying the book of Hosea. I love how God never fails to align my studies with the grit of my current circumstances. And this study is no exception. In the excerpt below, Dr. James Montgomery Boice comments on how God led Hosea into an adulterous marriage, and subsequently into a world of immense heartache and personal anguish (from The Minor Prophets, 2 vol.):

"We live in an age where everything good is interpreted in terms of happiness and success. So when we think of spiritual blessing we think of it in these terms. To be led by God and be blessed by God means that we will be 'happy' and 'successful.' ...This is shallow thinking and shallow Christianity. ...God sometimes leads his children to do things that afterward involve them in great distress. But because God does not think as we think or act as we act, it is often in these situations that he accomplishes his greatest victories and brings the greatest blessing to his name."

I can't tell you how many times in the last two years I've asked God, "why?" And how many more times I've pleaded with Him to someday show me a reason. To know that every childless month, and every tear shed, has not been for naught. I trust that the day will come when God will use Joel and me to accomplish some victory in His name. Something that perhaps we could not have played a role in had our prayers for a child been answered months ago. Until then, I pray for vigilance, patience and wisdom. And most of all I pray for a girl in an unfathomable situation. That she will know God's faithfulness and allow Him to use this moment in her life to bring blessing to His name.

I will commit myself to you forever; I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and tender compassion. I will commit myself to you in faithfulness.
- Hosea 2:19-20

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Happy New Year, everyone! I've decided my first post of 2011 needs to be riddled with humor. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. Have a better attitude, be less bitter, more joyful, more appreciative, more loving and forgiving (gosh, that's hard sometimes). That said, a friend shared the following "lessons" on Facebook today, and I just had to blog it. For those of you who are parents, I'm sure you can agree on many of these points and find the humor in them. For those of you who are not yet parents, but want to be, I hope this helps you appreciate your quiet, clean house and the 7-8 hours of sleep you'll get tonight. Joel and I especially loved Lessons 5 and 7. Bring on the laughs...

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!
**Author Unknown**

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner).
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'? Exactly the point).

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Hilarious, no? Laughter really is the best medicine.

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
-Proverbs 17:22