Concerning Lemons...

I attended the baby shower of a very dear friend on Saturday morning. She has been living in San Francisco for the last year, so I was thankful we had an opportunity to celebrate her while she was in Madison for work. My friend and her mother are the type of women who effortlessly make everything better. They are talented artists, incredible gardeners and landscapers, phenomenal chefs. So it was no surprise that this simple, yet elegant, baby shower looked like something straight out of a Martha Stewart magazine. The table decorations were lovely. The food was outstanding. The ambiance perfect. And the best part was that our party favors included a small jar of homemade marmalade and one beautiful lemon...fresh off of my friend's lemon tree in San Francisco.

Later that evening, I made a lovely loaf of honey-wheat bread. While it was still warm, I tried out the marmalade (made from fresh California grapefruit, oranges and lemons). It was incredible. My taste buds had found their happy place. The lemon, I tucked away in the refrigerator, where it waits for just the right recipe in which to lend its flavor.

In the background of these wonderful celebrations and taste explosions, an entirely different drama was unfolding. One that I had been keenly aware of, and fervently praying about. I was given the opportunity to use my experiences over the last two years in order to encourage someone in a very dark place. A young woman on the brink of making a life-changing choice. So as the bread was baking and my stomach was growling, I wrote a letter to a woman I had never met. It was an incredible experience. I truly felt God working in those hours of writing. It was therapy for me. And I sincerely hope my words and experiences will be a blessing to this young lady in her time of need.

It wasn't until 15 minutes ago that I realized the symbolism of this day. I was literally and figuratively given a lemon...and along with it, the opportunity to create something beautiful. This is exciting because I live in Wisconsin. The frozen tundra. Receiving a freshly-picked lemon in the middle of February is not an everyday occurrence around these parts. So the fact that I was presented with a lemon at the very moment I was about to take the "lemon" of infertility and channel it into a letter that would hopefully impact a young woman's life for the better, is just...so...perfect. And just so God.

Maybe I am reading far more into this than I should. But for now, in my crazy little world, it makes sense. It makes me happy. And it has me dreaming of all the tasty creations I can make with my sour little lemon. I will let you know what I decide!

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 8:35-39

Why?

I've been thinking a lot about a girl. A girl in a very messy situation. I do not know her name, only a small part of her story. A story that I'm technically not supposed to know, but praying to be a part of. It has me thinking about reasons and opportunities. Ways in which God's light can shine in the most tragic moments of our lives. It has me asking "why?" Because quite honestly I don't know why two perfectly healthy people in a loving marriage can't get pregnant. I don't know why young girls are robbed of their innocence. I just don't know. But I do know that no matter our situation, God does not abandon us. I know that he can, and does, bless us in the midst of it. And that the trials we face can themselves be unexpected blessings.

This afternoon I started studying the book of Hosea. I love how God never fails to align my studies with the grit of my current circumstances. And this study is no exception. In the excerpt below, Dr. James Montgomery Boice comments on how God led Hosea into an adulterous marriage, and subsequently into a world of immense heartache and personal anguish (from The Minor Prophets, 2 vol.):

"We live in an age where everything good is interpreted in terms of happiness and success. So when we think of spiritual blessing we think of it in these terms. To be led by God and be blessed by God means that we will be 'happy' and 'successful.' ...This is shallow thinking and shallow Christianity. ...God sometimes leads his children to do things that afterward involve them in great distress. But because God does not think as we think or act as we act, it is often in these situations that he accomplishes his greatest victories and brings the greatest blessing to his name."

I can't tell you how many times in the last two years I've asked God, "why?" And how many more times I've pleaded with Him to someday show me a reason. To know that every childless month, and every tear shed, has not been for naught. I trust that the day will come when God will use Joel and me to accomplish some victory in His name. Something that perhaps we could not have played a role in had our prayers for a child been answered months ago. Until then, I pray for vigilance, patience and wisdom. And most of all I pray for a girl in an unfathomable situation. That she will know God's faithfulness and allow Him to use this moment in her life to bring blessing to His name.

I will commit myself to you forever; I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and tender compassion. I will commit myself to you in faithfulness.
- Hosea 2:19-20

Laughter is the Best Medicine

Happy New Year, everyone! I've decided my first post of 2011 needs to be riddled with humor. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf. Have a better attitude, be less bitter, more joyful, more appreciative, more loving and forgiving (gosh, that's hard sometimes). That said, a friend shared the following "lessons" on Facebook today, and I just had to blog it. For those of you who are parents, I'm sure you can agree on many of these points and find the humor in them. For those of you who are not yet parents, but want to be, I hope this helps you appreciate your quiet, clean house and the 7-8 hours of sleep you'll get tonight. Joel and I especially loved Lessons 5 and 7. Bring on the laughs...

Thinking of Having Kids? Do this 11 step program first!
**Author Unknown**

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner).
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive).
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'? Exactly the point).

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Hilarious, no? Laughter really is the best medicine.

A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
-Proverbs 17:22

Grace and Flowers

Well folks...I hope this post finds you warm and well in the last days of the Advent season. After an unplanned, five month break from life as I knew it, I figured now would be a fine time to return to the blog-o-sphere. I've been wanting to put up a post to catch you up on everything that has happened and not happened, but I cannot figure out how. It's just too much. So it is my hope that you will be able to patch things together in your mind as I offer snippets of the last five months throughout my upcoming posts.

For now, I will at least tell you this: the last five months have been the ultimate roller coaster ride. August through October were extreme highs for me. I attended a workshop in Boulder, CO at the beginning of August, which turned out to be quite possibly the best eight days of my life. After a year and a half (at that time) of struggling with all the feelings of failure and worthlessness that are inherent to infertility, this workshop stretched me, opened me up to new ideas, possibilities and friendships, deprived me of sleep, and replaced it with laughter (and maybe some dancing and karaoke). It was...well, it was like summer camp all over again. The friendships that were forged on that trip are life-long ones. The impacts it had on my self-esteem and career are immense. And I am so grateful. Crazy stuff for being a "work trip" right?

As November ushered in cooler temperatures and longer nights, I felt the nose of my roller coaster car inching to the top of the hill and beginning to peer over into the familiar darkness that promised to come speeding toward me at any minute. I struggled against it, pretended like it wasn't coming. Then in rapid succession, a number of unexpected events set everything in motion. And here I am...somewhere in between the top and the bottom, in a free fall...not sure when I'll feel the forces of gravity again. I realize that sounds incredibly melodramatic. And it is. Did I tell you I began dancing and acting at the age of three?

But as always, I am grateful for the darkness speeding towards me. It forces me to hold onto something, someone. I have been so SO distant from God in the latter half of 2010. I am ashamed and guilty of this. I have become complacent. I am frustrated and bruised. Hurt. I have built walls. Between me and God. Between me and friends. Even between me and my husband. If I'm going to get through this season without irreparable damage, the walls must come down. I need to clear the air between me and God. Allow myself to believe He loves me despite my bad attitude and poor performances on this stage called life. Despite my neglect. Like my new friends Mumford & Sons taught me: I need to get over this hill and be open to what is there, beyond the darkness. In the midst of the darkness. And I pray I can do this with grace in my heart. And flowers in my hair...

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.
- Excerpt from "After the Storm" by Mumford & Sons

The Abba Cry

While there's nothing "official" to report on the adoption front, I did want to take a moment to pass along a wonderful article from July's issue of Christianity Today. It is titled, "Abba Changes Everything: Why every Christian is called to rescue orphans." The article was written by Dr. Russell Moore, the author of Adopted for Life, a beautiful book that should be read by anyone with even the slightest desire to adopt.

The article seems long at first, but is a quick read that gave me goosebumps and misty eyes at many points. Even if you're someone who in no way feels called to adopt, this article remains a poignant reminder of the gorgeous truth behind our own adoptions into God's family and the subsequent call to care for the orphans and widows among us [James 1:27].

"Adoption is, on one hand, gospel. Our identity and inheritance are grounded in our adoption in Christ. Adoption is also mission. In this, our adoption spurs us to join Christ in advocating for the poor, the marginalized, the abandoned, and the fatherless...

In saying that orphan care is missional, I do not mean that every Christian is called to adopt or foster a child. But every Christian is called to care for orphans. As with every aspect of Christ's mission, a diversity of gifts abounds. Some have room at their table and in their hearts for another stocking on the mantle by this coming Christmas. Others are gifted financially to help families who would like to adopt but cannot figure out how to make ends meet. Others can babysit while families with children make their court dates and complete home-study papers. Still others can lead mission trips to rock and hug and sing to orphans who may never be adopted. Pastors can simply ask whether anyone in their congregation might be called to adopt or foster parent, or to empower someone who is. And all of us can pray—specifically and urgently—for orphans the world over."

I encourage you to read the full article this week! Just click on the title here: "Abba Changes Everything: Why every Christian is called to rescue orphans"

In closing, it is with a grateful heart that I thank you all for your continuing prayers and support of Joel and me as we listen for God's voice.

Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.
-Galatians 4:6-7

The Adoption Option

After several months of being unsure of what path to take, followed by a two-month break, Joel and I are officially taking this week to pray specifically about adoption. The notion of adopting has begun to weigh heavier and heavier on my heart. So many seemingly small things have happened...things I've seen, things I've read, things people have said to me, things I've remembered...that collectively are pulling me closer and closer toward adoption. But that is me. This decision can only be made in partnership with my husband, who is profoundly rational and intelligent (much needed qualities when you're married to someone like me). And it can only be made after a strong pursuit of God's will. Only He knows if we're meant to have kids. And only He knows from where.

There are so many unknowns. So many decisions. So many dollar signs, involved in the adoption process. It's enough to make you a perpetual procrastinator. But now's the time to get serious. And so we're seriously praying. It would mean so much if you could support us this week by lifting us up in prayer, as we navigate this huge life decision. Rest assured, details will soon follow once a decision is made...

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
-James 1:27

Gratitude

Well hello, friends. It's been a while! When Joel and I decided to take a "break" from all things baby, I never really intended to also take a break from blogging. But alas, that is what happened. Thanks to a dear friend, I am officially back in the blogosphere. It is always nice to know when one is missed. Thanks, Steph.

So much has happened since my last post, and yet I'm having trouble finding something to write about. Part of it is that I am exhausted just thinking about the last six weeks. I don't want to relive most of them, even in writing. I just want to gloss over them and move forward because for the most part they were dirty, messy, unorganized, stressful, and I'm quite certain they shaved days, if not weeks, off my life. Having just written those last lines, I am starkly reminded of how God has been shedding His light in some of the darkest corners of my soul throughout our home renovation. There's something about tearing your house apart and finding what's really inside that forces you to do the same with your soul. So here goes...a confession of sorts.

I am impatient.

I am far too concerned with outward appearances.

I am afraid of what others may think of me.

I don't like confrontation.

I have tendencies to push things under the rug and pretend like they never happened.

I hate messes.

I hate disorganization.

I worry too much, stress too much, clean too much.

I strive for perfection and dwell on flaws.

I allow my priorities to shift when life gets busy...and it's not a good shift.

I am lacking grace. Grace for myself. Grace for others.

I have a long way to go.

I love and appreciate my husband and need to show him that more often...especially in crazy times like these.

I am starting to sound like a freak.

The fact of the matter is that God sees this list and loves me all the more. I see this list and feel unlovable. Like I need to run home and make sure my husband is real, and that his love for me isn't just the result of an 8-year fever. And then I just become grateful. Grateful that despite my flaws, I am still loved. Loved by the God who made me. Loved by the family that raised me. Loved by the husband who is committed to me. Loved by the friends who have supported me. It seems that every day brings a new realization, a new challenge, and a new lesson on this road of life. If it weren't for the love that I am so undeserving of, I absolutely do not know where I would be.

I am also grateful for our new abode, despite not wanting to relive the last six weeks within its walls. In the end, it's the last six weeks that turned those walls into a home. It's the blood, sweat and tears of our friends and family helping us along the way. It's the marriage growing stronger as two very different minds try to communicate and find ways to agree on something...anything.

So I'm learning that just as we've allowed our friends and family inside to rebuild the walls of our home and paint them with vibrant new colors, I need to open the door to Christ so he can rebuild me and color my life with renewed vibrancy.

This is love: not that we loved God, but the he loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
-1 John 4:10