Silence

To be a prospective adoptive parent is to feel lost. Uncertain. In the dark. To be a prospective adoptive parent is to be last. Anxious. Always fearing the worst. I've quickly learned these things in the last five and half weeks, but especially in the last 24 hours. Sure, part of the reason is that I spend far too much time inside my own head. But the other part I know is that this is simply the nature of being on an adoption journey rollercoaster.

In a nutshell, I tried calling the birth mother yesterday to see how her final doctor appointment went. On the other end all I heard was, "the code or number you have dialed is incorrect." Fear and panic struck my heart. Her social worker cannot reach her either. It is likely she simply ran out of money to pay her phone bill. But no one is answering the door at her home, either. We are told it is not uncommon for adoptive mothers to fall out of communication from time to time. And I am once again reminded of the instability of life outside the comfort of mine.

And so here I am. Worrying. Again. I want so desperately to hear something from the birth mother...to find her somehow...to know she's ok. My frail humanity despises this kind of silence. This lack of control. Why? Because it is in this uncontrolled silence where every fear and doubt comes creeping in. Where every worst case scenario has room to play out. And they do. Over and over again.

While I have been saying all along that I am holding this adoption loosely, I have come to realize that there's really no good way to do that. How do you hold a potential daughter's life loosely? How do you not imagine the next days and years of your life with this precious little one in your care? How do you not put the ultrasound photo on your fridge, when it's the only visual reminder that you may have a baby soon? To hold an adoption loosely requires the heart of a robot. I am convinced.

Alas, while I do hope that tomorrow's news will leave me laughing at today's melodrama, there's no way to be certain. Of only one thing I can truly be certain: That God is sovereign. He can trump all fears and doubts if I let Him. And He is not done with this story. Yes. I am certain of that...

"To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring. This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation."
-Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest