Crossroads. We all have them. Some if not all of us do not like them. They scare us because we think one choice is right and one is wrong. I embrace them. When I come to a crossroad, I know that it is because God has brought me to this point because He has something for me. It is a place in life where we are forced to think, not about the moment or about the past, but about the future. It is a place of life-change.
Today, I feel like I am at a crossroad. I met with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (ain't that a mouthful?!) this afternoon, who officially gave us the branding of "unexplained infertility." I can't say I didn't see it coming. Every test we've had up to this point has come back normal. Every cycle I've ever had since the age of 14 has been more or less normal. So we're just a normal couple who apparently can't conceive a child the normal, old-fashioned way. Which brings me to my next point...Like every other doctor I've seen, the Endocrinologist also suggested I begin with a regimen of Clomid or Letrozole. For those of you unfamiliar with these drugs, they are designed to help women produce viable eggs for ovulation. For women who have irregular cycles, or who have trouble ovulating at all, I am a huge proponent of these drugs. However, I take issue with these doctors trying to sell me on this idea when we all know that I am ovulating just fine. For me, these drugs would only put my ovaries into over-drive...it's like they'd be on steroids. I like my ovaries. And that just seems like a mean thing to do, when they're already doing their job. Plus, I'm a worrier by nature, and I don't trust easily. I don't trust doctor's motives and I don't trust the drugs they're trying to push on me. I worry about cancer...breast cancer, ovarian cancer. I worry about any ill effects these drugs may have on a child.
So here's my crossroad: Previous discussions between Joel and myself had led us to conclude that we would not force nature. In other words, no drugs...no artificial insemination...and no IVF. With so many precious kids in the world needing a good home, we'd just as soon spend our money and energy on adoption. But today I find myself conflicted. The reason? Statistics. During my chat with the doc, he broke out the digits (which I can appreciate, being a geeky science gal). For us (because every couple's scenario is different), our chances of conceiving without any intervention is 2-4% every month. Ouch. If I tried Clomid or Letrozole, this jumps up to 15%. With artificial insemination, 20%. And with IVF, 50%. We still feel very committed to our decision of not pursuing IVF. But what about the other options? There's something very sobering about 2-4%. The thought of it ruined my afternoon. And it forced Joel and I to call our previous decisions into question.
If we stick with our original plan and only pursue adoption, will we someday regret never pursuing pregnancy further? Will we always deflate at the thought of never having a biological child? Am I being too stubborn and paranoid? And on the flip side, should we even have a child at all?! We could be like my Aunt and Uncle who blissfully travel the world and exclaim, "Oops!! We forgot to have kids!" whenever anyone in the family complains about a grievous child. That path seems pretty nice when I'm at the grocery store next to a screaming little girl who's not getting her way. [NOTE: Mom and Dad, I do see the irony in this...I'm sure I was that little girl many times!]
I realize that this decision is ultimately between God, Joel and myself. I also realize, like Ben, that there may not be one right path. And I wholeheartedly believe that no matter what path we choose, the Lord will provide ways for us to glorify Him through it. That said, I would love to hear words of wisdom from anyone reading this. Seeking wise counsel is always, well...wise.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.
-Psalm 119:105
5 comments:
ARHG!!! I just wrote a gargantuan comment and it got deleted!!! It was long and random and funny and impossible to recreate.
But I shall try anyway.
This was sort of what I said:
First, love what Ben said.
Second, you are at a HUGE crossroad.
and it's so comforting to know that it's not like there's a right way and two wrong ways. Then I sort of wigged out a little about how these decisions we make in our life lead to such different outcomes. It really weirds me out. And your decision about your child (or not having a child) will definitely lead down totally different paths.
Then I gave this very sage advice:
Here is what Holly and Joel should do...
You should sit in separate rooms and write four short stories (I know, it sounds like a lot, but it will be worth it). The stories should be set ten years in the future. In one story, you went through treatment and it worked. In another, you went through treatment and it didn't work. In another, you adopted. In the last, you didn't have kids at all.
Then you should sit across from each other and read your stories to each other. They might not help that much, but they will probably make you laugh. Or maybe cry...which isn't fun, but usually enlightening.
And then you can let me read the stories, because I'm nosy.
Or you could publish them on your blog and let your viewers choose your future for you.
(shhh...don't tell, but I'm writing this at work...for whatever reason, I can get on blogger today)
Katie...you seriously crack. me. up. Love the story idea. Can't wait to see Joel's reaction when I describe it to him. We just might have to do that!
Now get back to work, you naughty gal! Oh wait...I'm blogging at work, too. Tee hee!
You naughty girls! Blogging at work...geesh.
I have no words of wisdom but I do concur that God works in and through every decision we make...are you still doing the Encounter study? Main point this semester. It's easy for us to pass judgment on certain life choices UNTIL we are faced with similar circumstances. Then our perspective quickly changes. =)
I concur that none of these options is wrong. Pray, pray, pray. Seek God's voice in the chaos. Those of us that love you support you whatever decision you make.
Love you sister!
Sara
H,
I am so honored that you shared this link with me. Thank you, thank you.
I work hard not to 'share my opinions' about family, adoption, and IVF.... UNLESS I'M ASKED. And, um, you just asked for wisdom at the end of this post. I can't guarantee wisdom, but I can guarantee.... an opinion. Hope that's good enough. :)
While I haven't been full-on in the infertility boat that you're in, I did suffer a miscarriage in 04 when Aderyn was 11 months old. It was intense, and painful, and temporarily soul-crushing. So while my quiver is full of 4 kids - two adopted, two biological - I do have at least a shade of the experience of the pain that you have felt. I'm no scientist [just ask Joel about my supervisory notes. Yeah. Details - not my thing. :)]... but I do know that putting myself through the dramatic - dare I say torturous? - regiment of shots, appointments, charting, and pills that IVF requires seems an awfully heavy burden to bear for something that has a 50% success possibility - especially since it's something that, ethically, you've decided against in the past, at least in theory. [I agree with you on that one, for what it's worth.] And the other options you've listed as interventions are all *less*likely than that to be successful. I can't help but think of what I always used to say about T when he came to be with us - people would talk about his tragic past, his hard first years of life, and I'd say something like 'God doesn't have a plan B. He knew where T would land from eternity past.' God doesn't have a plan B with your life, H. There is something thrilling, I think, about knowing that He knows the end from the beginning, and while he doesn't dictate your steps, He redeems the time. My fear - and I know this is true - is that these things all sound like pious and pithy little one-liners in the face of the adversity that you've experienced... you know me well enough to know that I certainly don't intend to minimize your experience.... but I'm going to continue to pray that the Lord speaks clearly and calmly to your soul, that you might hear his voice loudest of all among the opinions [like mine. :)] around you.... and that He just simply might be very near to you. Your writing is astonishing - I am proud to call you my friend, and I look so forward to what the Lord is going to do in and through you and Joel through this journey.
Oh man, I've written a novella. Sigh.
Love you.
Steph
Steph-
I loved your novella. It was soul-lifting on this dreary, rainy day. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to write such a fabulous response. Your words - and most of all your prayers - mean the world to me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So blessed to have you as a friend!
Love,
H
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