I have to admit, I struggled with the thought of beginning a blog to chronicle the journey we find ourselves on. After a year of trying to conceive a child, the bitter, cynical part of me was saying "this is gonna continue to be a long and bumpy road, honey, so buckle up." This can also be translated: "God hears your prayers day after day and His answer will continue to be 'NO'...except it will be 'yes' for approximately 99% of the female population around you, including your nearest, dearest friends." So by starting this blog, does it mean that deep down I have bought into this pessimism and self-pity? I mean, maybe I am pregnant right now and I don't know it. And then this blog would be finished before it ever really started. But then maybe I'm not. Maybe God never intended for us to experience the miracle of looking into the eyes of our own biological children. Maybe instead there is a woman out there right now carrying a baby that will someday become ours through the miracle of adoption. And maybe...just maybe...God is not leading us down the road of infertility just to be mean. Maybe His desire is to show us what kind of people we can become when we're forced to loosen our grip and give up control. When we feel so helpless that our choices are either to walk away, resentful, or re-learn the meaning of trust. And if that is what this journey is all about, then you better believe I'm gonna need this blog.
In the end, I chose to begin writing because I'm tired. I'm tired of living in the what-if's of the future. I'm tired of covering up my sadness with fake smiles and cute haircuts (although I am really diggin' the new 'do). I needed a place to put my thoughts in the hopes that maybe they won't be so darned distracting anymore. I also know that we are not the first couple to experience the pain of infertility, nor are we the last. Hopefully as I piece our story together, my words will reach the eyes of someone who needs to read them. After all, what good are these trials if nothing is learned and nothing is shared?
So here I am...and here you are...at the lemonade stand. Where I will try to make the very best lemonade you've ever tasted, with some of the tartest lemons God has ever given me.
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
- Jeremiah 29:11
10 comments:
I am wowed right now. Absolutely, one hundred percent wowed, and does it make sense if I say I'm proud too?
I emailed to ask you if I could share your blog on my blog tomorrow. But just so ya know, if I don't hear from you, I'm going to take advantage of our friendship and pretend you emailed back to say that I could. So even though I'm technically asking, I'm basically going to post the link on my blog regardless. :) Just sayin'
I'm also going to call you this weekend. I'm having major Holly withdrawal.
You can bet I will follow each one of these posts and continue to be in prayer every morning for you and Joel. We may not share blood, but I feel like you're a sister.
P.S. You should put a follower gadget on your side bar so I can follow you. Then your posts will pop up in my dashboard.
Hi Holly! I'm jumping over from Katie's! I am elated to be able to share in your journey. I believe that with God all things are possible. He is FULLY able!
You are in my prayers.
Holly,
Found your blog through a twitter search thank linked it. My wife and I have been through the same process and are right where you guys are. I've written about it over at my blog - nothing spectacular, but it's there if you're interested. I don't know if you've seen this article, but I saw it today and found it very helpful in thinking about how to walk through infertility and helping others care for you as you walk through it: The Bible and the Pain of Infertility.
Praying for you guys.
Sincerely,
~Jacob
Hi Holly. I came over from Katie's blog. I too have been going through some trials. My son was born with a rare brain disorder. God has brought us through a lot of scary moments. And right now we are in the midst of another problem that the doctors can't figure out. He has bouts of dizziness sometimes lasting 3-5 hours. So take heart, you know there is a plan and he is able.
I have added you to my prayer list. And the great thing about starting this blog, is a lot of people will lift you up to the Father. God bless :-)
Hello Holly...I think it's a wonderful idea to have a blog. It will be a wonderful outlet for you to express your feelings/frustrations/concerns, as well as receiving incouragement from people who are going through the same struggles and from people who truely want the best for you and Joel. I love the relationship that you and Katie have developed over the years, as a father you always want your children to be surrounded by good people, and your one of the best. Like so many, I will continue to pray for you and Joel, and know that God's plan is perfect and that you two are a big part of it. Remember that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, so you can take that as a compliment. I would love to see you again the next time you come into the Quad Cities. God Bless...SeanF
Blogging is an amazing place with the most caring and prayerful people in the world who find you based on a common interest and with the desire to learn from each other how to survive in this life. Wow, that was a really long sentence! Sorry. I came over from Katie's blog, and it is wonderful to meet you. I love that you decided to blog and help others that might be on a similar journey that you are on. I've been on that journey as well, and it was one of the most difficult roadblocks in mine and my husband's life. We did overcome it eventually! I know that God will comfort you on your path, like he did me.
I'm another who has popped over from Katie's blog. It's been many years since I've thought back to my years of pregnancy impatience. My first child, a son, arrived earlier in the "five year plan" than we had intended so the situation wasn't the same as yours, but then there were two miscarriages and I wondered what God had in mind for me. After a couple years and the birth of a daughter we once again began to wonder as the years went by. After five more years when it appeared there would be no more children we chose to adopt--and I became pregnant, so we ended up with two babies at the same time.
What I learned was that God's timing is not necessarily ours... that conceiving doesn't happen because we want it to but because a new life is ready for creation and God decides to entrust it to us.
I pray you and your hubby will lean on God and find comfort in this time of longing and waiting.
Thank you all SO much for taking the time to read my blog. Your outpouring of support and willingness to provide a little bit of your own stories is both inspiring and encouraging.
Katie, thanks for giving me a shout-out on your blog and on Twitter today. You really are my 'sister from another Mr.' and I just love you to pieces.
Sean, I was thrilled to read your post this morning! Thanks for your kind words...and for sending your baby girl to the UW! I honestly don't know what I would have done without her friendship over the last 10 years (woah). I hope to see you, too, the next time I visit Katie!
Tamika, Jacob, Robyn, Heather and Careann...it means a lot to me that you popped over from Katie's blog. I will be praying for your own unique journeys. So glad we can support each other through the world of blogging :)
P.S. Jacob, that article you posted was incredible! Thank you for sharing that.
Holly, I too am wowed. I'm so glad you're sharing your journey with us - even if we (I) want to isolate sometimes, it sucks to be alone. No matter the situation.
Here's to relearning trust together. So glad you're my friend!
C
You are remarkable Holly.
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