Well, We Didn't See That One Coming

Hello everyone!  It's hard to believe it's February 24th already and that this is my first post of 2012.  After our prospective adoption unraveled at the end of 2011, I wrote my last post, a letter to the little girl we had hoped would be ours.  It was cathartic to write those words.  When it was finished and posted, I honestly felt I had nothing more to say for a while.  I was emotionally and mentally drained from that experience, and desperately needed a simple holiday season surrounded by family and friends.  We were blessed with exactly that.  The closing days of December were a beautiful retreat from the previous three months.  They were filled with love, family, food, laughter, friends returning home from far off places...and lots and lots of gratitude.  We healed a lot during those days and were ready to take on 2012 with fresh hopes, truly excited about the next adoption opportunity.

Little did we know that (yet again) God was up to something entirely different.  On New Year's Day, feeling that something about me was a little off, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I'll be honest, 90% of the reason for taking it in the first place was because I had one left from our days of trying and I wanted to rid the house of them once and for all.  It was 2012...I was turning a new leaf...I was excited to once again be running full steam ahead with adoption plans.  Except that when I returned to the bathroom the test was positive.  Positive.  All I remember is staring at it for the next several minutes (or so it seemed), with my hands on my hips like a sassy little brat, thinking..."Seriously, God?!  Seriously.  You're doing this now?"  I wish I could sugarcoat my initial response for you all, but the name of the game here is honesty.  This is not to say I didn't experience moments of pure unadulterated elation.  I did.  I was simply in shock, trying to make sense of something I was completely unprepared for.  My head was spinning, and worst of all, my husband had just left for the next 6 hours!!

Fast forward to today.  I am a little over 12 weeks along...hello second trimester!  And I'm overjoyed at the thought of welcoming a little HoJo baby into the world this September.  I'm in complete awe of God...His grace, mercy, and faithfulness.  I'm also terrified, but that can be the topic of another post.  With each day, the reality sinks in deeper.  And with each day - victory - for I never thought I'd be pregnant to begin with.  After years of infertility, simply knowing that I can get pregnant is cause for celebration.  And arriving at 12 weeks is simply amazing.  It's far beyond what I could have ever hoped for.  God is good.  Really really good.

We still plan to adopt.  It has always been a dream of ours, and a passion.  So while the timeline is not what we expected, the calling still remains.  We are grateful to our agency who, after congratulating us, told us we can pick up where we left off whenever we're ready.  I have to admit, switching gears like this has been really difficult.  I am embracing this pregnancy to the fullest...but letting go of the adoption dream, if only temporarily, has been tough.  In fact, three days after finding out we were pregnant, a birth mother in Mississippi chose us to adopt her baby.  She was due that day.  It broke me to have to say no.  But our 'no' was another couple's 'yes'...and I take heart in knowing that their prayers were answered that day.        

So here's to 2012.  To new beginnings.  New adventures.  New additions.  I pray this year will bring unfathomable blessings to you and yours...

You turned my wailing into dancing;
You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
Lord my God, I will praise you forever.
-Psalm 30:11-12