Gratitude

Well hello, friends. It's been a while! When Joel and I decided to take a "break" from all things baby, I never really intended to also take a break from blogging. But alas, that is what happened. Thanks to a dear friend, I am officially back in the blogosphere. It is always nice to know when one is missed. Thanks, Steph.

So much has happened since my last post, and yet I'm having trouble finding something to write about. Part of it is that I am exhausted just thinking about the last six weeks. I don't want to relive most of them, even in writing. I just want to gloss over them and move forward because for the most part they were dirty, messy, unorganized, stressful, and I'm quite certain they shaved days, if not weeks, off my life. Having just written those last lines, I am starkly reminded of how God has been shedding His light in some of the darkest corners of my soul throughout our home renovation. There's something about tearing your house apart and finding what's really inside that forces you to do the same with your soul. So here goes...a confession of sorts.

I am impatient.

I am far too concerned with outward appearances.

I am afraid of what others may think of me.

I don't like confrontation.

I have tendencies to push things under the rug and pretend like they never happened.

I hate messes.

I hate disorganization.

I worry too much, stress too much, clean too much.

I strive for perfection and dwell on flaws.

I allow my priorities to shift when life gets busy...and it's not a good shift.

I am lacking grace. Grace for myself. Grace for others.

I have a long way to go.

I love and appreciate my husband and need to show him that more often...especially in crazy times like these.

I am starting to sound like a freak.

The fact of the matter is that God sees this list and loves me all the more. I see this list and feel unlovable. Like I need to run home and make sure my husband is real, and that his love for me isn't just the result of an 8-year fever. And then I just become grateful. Grateful that despite my flaws, I am still loved. Loved by the God who made me. Loved by the family that raised me. Loved by the husband who is committed to me. Loved by the friends who have supported me. It seems that every day brings a new realization, a new challenge, and a new lesson on this road of life. If it weren't for the love that I am so undeserving of, I absolutely do not know where I would be.

I am also grateful for our new abode, despite not wanting to relive the last six weeks within its walls. In the end, it's the last six weeks that turned those walls into a home. It's the blood, sweat and tears of our friends and family helping us along the way. It's the marriage growing stronger as two very different minds try to communicate and find ways to agree on something...anything.

So I'm learning that just as we've allowed our friends and family inside to rebuild the walls of our home and paint them with vibrant new colors, I need to open the door to Christ so he can rebuild me and color my life with renewed vibrancy.

This is love: not that we loved God, but the he loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.
-1 John 4:10