Enough?

I've been a ball of emotions for the last five days...most of them anxious, angry and bitter. Sometimes I have no idea what provokes them. They just seem to resurface from time to time like the Loch Ness monster...shocking everyone, including myself. [Yes, I give you permission to call me Nessie].

Up until now, I have been priding myself on how well Joel and I have been handling everything...how it's only made us stronger. I still believe that. But I'm also starting to realize how the stressors around us are starting to force their way into the small cracks of our marriage. We're quick to anger and slow to forgive. Easily offended by even the slightest remarks.

Joel gave me permission to punch him on Saturday. And I did...hard.

On Sunday the sermon was about being bold in prayer, as we are taught in Luke 11:

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened." -Luke 11:9-10

I can honestly say I felt hatred toward this passage. I felt like standing up and calling Jesus a liar. How many times have I knocked boldly on the door of my Father, asking and pleading for a child? How many times has this desire been granted? And then our pastor dropped the bombshell. He acknowledged that there were many of us who are probably sitting in our chairs, scoffing, not wanting a lecture on prayer. [Guilty as charged]. He acknowledged that many of us have been praying boldly, but with seemingly no response or release from our troubles. [Yep, that would be me]. But then he said this: Jesus knew how to pray. And He prayed often. But in the chapters after Luke 11 we see that His life didn't go so well. He was cast out, betrayed, and ultimately ended up on a Roman execution rack. In Luke 11, the promise isn't necessarily that my prayer requests will all be granted. But rather, that God will give me Himself. He will give me the Holy Spirit. This is His promise because He knows He is enough. But do I know that? Do I actually believe it and live it out? If all I've been blessed with...health, wealth, shelter, unconditional love...were all taken from me and all that was left was God, would He be enough? Could I be content? These are the same questions I ask myself every time I walk the sewage-filled paths of the Nairobi slums. How easily I forget the lessons I've learned from my Kenyan brothers and sisters who literally have nothing. And yet they live joyfully for God. [Convicted].

It became all too apparent in that moment that I don't believe God is enough. I don't trust Him fully. I continue to think my plan is better and therefore I'm continually dissatisfied and disappointed with His. Dark, is the state of my human heart. Broken, is the human condition.

On Monday, a friend pierced the gloom hanging over my head with this simple truth: That when Jesus instructed Peter to walk toward Him across the water, He did not first calm the raging storm. Instead, He encouraged Peter to focus His eyes on Him and take that first step in faith. A perfect storm is brewing in my life, composed of infertility, doubt, unanswered questions, a brother I can't trust, and a house that just won't sell. Everyday I wait for God to take even one of these things and make it right. Everyday I'm disappointed. But what other choice did I leave myself? What did I expect? My energies have been focused on dissipating the storm, not on the One who can keep me, and teach me, as I walk through it.

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
"Come," He said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
-Matthew 14:28-29