The Bright Sadness

Last March I had the privilege of hanging out with the members of a great Christian band (one of the few perks that comes along with being married to a Director of Worship Arts). They were in town as the guest artists for the annual arts conference we hold at our church. Their new album, The Bright Sadness, had recently been released and so they kicked us off with a stellar concert on the eve of the conference. I didn't know much about them before attending this concert...well, let's be honest...I didn't know anything about them. Not surprising since I rarely listen to Christian music outside of church. Something about it being my husband's job makes me way too critical. But every so often there comes a song that touches my soul in some profound way, and closes the gap between my hand and God's.

I had almost forgotten about one such song by the Charlie Hall Band, when it resurfaced yesterday afternoon on our way back from Boulder, CO. As I stared out the window of our car, so much was going on in my brain. I was sad to leave the majestic mountains, yet thankful for the time spent there, connecting with my great husband. Questions floated through my head of whether I might be pregnant this month...and if not, how I'll respond. In between questions, I was sifting through memories and conversations that took place while in Boulder. Conversations about our infertility, adoption, our house that is for sale, where we want to be in 10 years, where we think God wants us to be in 10 years, etc, etc. So much is up in the air in our lives right now. So many unanswered questions. So many ways this could all play out. I was getting dizzy thinking about it. [I'm dizzy right now as I write this.] And then Charlie Hall's voice came through the speakers and sang these beautiful words...

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus the Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again...

[Listen here: Mystery by Charlie Hall]

Almost a year has passed since Charlie Hall led us with this song through one of the most memorable times of communion I have ever experienced. At that time, there's no way I could have fully grasped what Charlie meant when he titled his album The Bright Sadness. Today I know...at least better than I did a year ago. I know the hurt. I know the bitterness. I know the fear and loneliness that often accompany them. But I also know hope, love, friendship, and strength like never before. I know God's love and compassion on a deeper level. I know myself better. There's a bright side to every one of our sad stories. And more importantly, there's a comfort in knowing that a bigger story is at work. It's bigger than me, bigger than Joel, and certainly bigger than our inability to produce a child. We just need clarity to see it...the clarity that can only come from a man who died to ultimately free this broken world from the sadness that binds it.

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.
-John 11:25