Finding the positives when all you get are negatives

Well, there goes month 13. I took a pregnancy test on Tuesday, and as usual, it came back negative. And Thursday that negative was confirmed, if you get my drift. We were quite hopeful this month, seeing as that I had recently undergone a procedure to verify that my reproductive organs were all normal and open. It was a downright awful experience. I was thankful for Joel sitting next to me in his sparkly purple lead vest that protected him from the x-rays. He provided much-needed comic relief and a hand to hold...or crush, as it were. Without going into detail, some good did come of it...and we hoped we had found a possible answer to our troubles. On top of this, we were told that many couples experience increased fertility after the procedure, simply by having it done. Well, we are not one of those couples...at least not this month.

Seeing only one line on that pregnancy test is getting really old. I might as well be flushing dollars down the toilet. And frankly, I feel like I'm paying someone to tell me that I'm a failure of a woman and I suck at life...every single month. Who knew one little line could say so much?! After the first several months of wallowing in self-pity like this for days after my period, I decided I needed an attitude adjustment. Don't get me wrong. I still wallow. I've just cut it down to a day or two, instead of 14. Now, one of the ways I cope with the month-after-month disappointment is by reminding myself of all the things I can still do sans baby-bump. And then I do them...all the while reveling in the freedom of not being pregnant. Here is my list:

Stay up past 9pm
Sleep on my stomach
Sleep through the night without getting up to pee
Make it through my day without barfing or feeling like I have to barf
Make it through my day without a nap
Make it through my day at all
Hold in my gas while in public
Fly in airplanes anytime I please
Walk without waddling
Run without waddling
Wrestle with the dog
Touch my toes
Have conversations that don't revolve around babies
Not stress if I miss a week of my prenatal vitamins
Not have to buy a new wardrobe
Wear skinny jeans
Wear stilettos
Wear skinny jeans AND stilettos...now we're talkin'
Eat unpasteurized cheese
Eat lunch meats
Eat trans-fats
Drink caffeine
Drink wine
Drink beer
Drink champagne
Drink just about anything I want, when I want it...in fact, I think I'll pour myself a glass of wine right now! [NOTE: I am not a lush]

On top of all this, Joel and I have been guaranteed at least one more month of relative peace, quiet, sleep, flexibility, and quality time together. And Taylor has been guaranteed at least one more month of unabated and uninterrupted love, attention and sleeping on our bed. Life's not so bad.

And although it is becoming increasingly hard to keep our chins up as we watch the months go by, we will cling to the promises made to people like Abraham, Rachel, Hannah and Zechariah. We'll remember that the Lord is good, and that His utmost desire for us is LIFE.

Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be." ...he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.
-Romans 4:18; 20-21

The Bright Sadness

Last March I had the privilege of hanging out with the members of a great Christian band (one of the few perks that comes along with being married to a Director of Worship Arts). They were in town as the guest artists for the annual arts conference we hold at our church. Their new album, The Bright Sadness, had recently been released and so they kicked us off with a stellar concert on the eve of the conference. I didn't know much about them before attending this concert...well, let's be honest...I didn't know anything about them. Not surprising since I rarely listen to Christian music outside of church. Something about it being my husband's job makes me way too critical. But every so often there comes a song that touches my soul in some profound way, and closes the gap between my hand and God's.

I had almost forgotten about one such song by the Charlie Hall Band, when it resurfaced yesterday afternoon on our way back from Boulder, CO. As I stared out the window of our car, so much was going on in my brain. I was sad to leave the majestic mountains, yet thankful for the time spent there, connecting with my great husband. Questions floated through my head of whether I might be pregnant this month...and if not, how I'll respond. In between questions, I was sifting through memories and conversations that took place while in Boulder. Conversations about our infertility, adoption, our house that is for sale, where we want to be in 10 years, where we think God wants us to be in 10 years, etc, etc. So much is up in the air in our lives right now. So many unanswered questions. So many ways this could all play out. I was getting dizzy thinking about it. [I'm dizzy right now as I write this.] And then Charlie Hall's voice came through the speakers and sang these beautiful words...

Sweet Jesus Christ my sanity
Sweet Jesus Christ my clarity
Bread of heaven, broken for me
Cup of salvation held up to drink
Jesus the Mystery

Christ has died and
Christ is risen,
and Christ will come again...

[Listen here: Mystery by Charlie Hall]

Almost a year has passed since Charlie Hall led us with this song through one of the most memorable times of communion I have ever experienced. At that time, there's no way I could have fully grasped what Charlie meant when he titled his album The Bright Sadness. Today I know...at least better than I did a year ago. I know the hurt. I know the bitterness. I know the fear and loneliness that often accompany them. But I also know hope, love, friendship, and strength like never before. I know God's love and compassion on a deeper level. I know myself better. There's a bright side to every one of our sad stories. And more importantly, there's a comfort in knowing that a bigger story is at work. It's bigger than me, bigger than Joel, and certainly bigger than our inability to produce a child. We just need clarity to see it...the clarity that can only come from a man who died to ultimately free this broken world from the sadness that binds it.

I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies.
-John 11:25