The Glass Boot

Today is my birthday. Twenty-eight years ago, my Grandma was hyperventilating because she thought she was going to have to deliver me in her home. (I come from a long line of feisty and resourceful women and I have no doubt she could have done it). But thankfully, my dad saved the day with a plow attached to his pick-up truck. Turns out construction jobs come in handy when your wife is in labor during an epic MN blizzard.

Twenty-eight. I've accomplished a lot in my 28 years on Earth...most of it I'm proud of. But this was a somewhat difficult birthday for me. Turning 28 means I'm no longer 27. And 27 was the age I always thought I'd be when I had my first child. Don't ask me why I chose 27...I just did. As my husband has learned, not everything that happens in my brain is rational. Now, I know that by the world's standards, I am still a wee youngin'. Trust me, I know. I'd fit in perfectly with a group of 8th graders. But every time I hear a doctor say, "well, the good news is, you're still young and have plenty of time to have babies," there's a naive little planner inside me who wants to bust out and throw a tantrum because 27 has come and gone. Because the three pregnancy tests Joel bought for me on my 27th birthday...and every other one since then...have only made me cry. Because everyone around me is blissfully expecting their first or second child and taking all the baby names we've ever agreed upon. But mostly because I feel like my world has come to a screaming halt just in time to watch all of my friends pass me by on the road of life. I so desperately want to catch up. To be a part of their club and be able to relate to such novelties as pregnancy hemorrhoids and acid reflux. And yes, I just asked my husband how to spell 'hemorrhoids'...now there's a certain horrified curiosity on his face. I can't imagine why.

So today I begin life after 27. It's a new day. A new year. I'm a new Holly. While my 27th year did not produce a child growing in my belly, it did produce growth of many different kinds. My soul, my heart, my faith, my marriage...they are all so much stronger today than they were a year ago. We all go through times of discipline and refinement by God. I just never thought mine would come by way of infertility. But I am thankful for it. Hardship has a way of bringing about vulnerability, which opens the door to truth and honest reflection. I just hope that when the day comes where I'm presented with the gift of a child, these lessons will not be forgotten like the beautiful wrapping paper and bows that keep gifts hidden until just the right time.

And while my friends may be moving on to their great adventures in parenting, they have not left me. They still love me and care for me. They still pray for me...especially when I'm so pissed I can't pray for myself. They are patient with me as I navigate this unfamiliar territory. And they know that when I feel like Cinderella, racing against the clock, they can always make me smile by presenting me with something far better than my lost glass slipper...how 'bout a ginormous glass boot filled with beer. Now that's friendship. Happy Birthday to me!!

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
-Hebrews 12:11