June 30th

Hello readers! Long time no "see". What a crazy and eventful summer it has been for the Hassenzahl's. I've been around the world and back...and even lived to tell about it! But not today. Today, I want to share with you a post I've been holding onto since June 30th. As you will see, the last paragraph reveals a bit of my angst about publishing this post. And ultimately I chose not to at that time. I'm not even completely sure I want to post it now, but I feel the need to let people in. To let people pray. And to let myself have this forum again for processing my thoughts. So without further ado, here are my words from June 30th, 2011...

Today is a very special day. First and foremost, today is my beautiful mother's birthday. Happy Birthday, mom! Today is also the day that will go down in Hassenzahl history as the day we sent in our adoption application. Yep, you heard me! The first round of i's are dotted and t's are crossed. A non-refundable check has been written. We are really doing this, people. Whoa. No wonder my heart has been palpitating all day long!

There's no telling what the future will bring. But today I revel in the feeling of progress, hope and anticipation...or is it heartburn? It's all a bit surreal to be honest. Of course, we still have to be accepted into the agency's program. So please pray that the social worker(s) assigned to us will look favorably upon our application (and overlook the crazy...and yes, I'm mostly talking about Joel here. Kidding!).

I do have to say, I was torn on whether to blog about this momentous day. For many couples, including us, the period from when you submit your application to when the home study is completed, is a lot like the first trimester of a pregnancy. At one point our intention was to not utter a word about the adoption until after the home study had been completed - when we knew it was safer to do so. In the end, we need and covet the prayers of friends and family in this time. Not to mention I'm just too dang excited to keep this to myself right now! That said, Joel and I would appreciate your discretion over the next several months as we wrestle with the home study. We ask that any questions or words of encouragement be reserved for private messages (which can include comments on this blog) and/or face-to-face conversations.

Stay tuned to this blog to find out what happens next in this exciting adventure of ours. We can't wait to see what God has in store...

...for in you the fatherless find compassion.
-Hosea 14:3

Orchestrated

You ever have one of those days where you are very quickly reminded that you are not in control? But in a good way? Where things happen swiftly and succinctly, and come together beautifully? Where people let you in on curious things happening behind the scenes? Things you had no idea were happening, but all of a sudden give a whole new meaning to what you did or said? Well today is one of those days.

I'm thankful. Because God, in His infinite wisdom, actually does know what He's doing. He's the conductor of a great orchestra. And even when His musicians aren't willing to play with the passion and dedication He desires, He still finds a way to make their noise meaningful. Why do I always need to be reminded of that?

God is doing great things, people. Even in our mundane and ordinary lives. He's softening the hearts of ardent atheists, while providing the means to reach the impoverished. He's forging new friendships and healing lonely hearts, while building unlikely families. He's speaking. And I hope we're all listening.

But just as it is written, “Things that no eye has seen, or ear heard, or mind imagined, are the things God has prepared for those who love him.” God has revealed these to us by the Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.
-1 Corintians 2:9-10

Summing it Up

I came across a quote today that I just had to share. It was posted on a blog I follow, and completely sums up what I have been feeling for so long...

"There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own."
-Robert Brault

Through the subtleties of our society and culture, most women are raised to desire a husband and a family. As little girls we play with dolls, we make believe, we watch Cinderella, we dream about our futures, we plan. But aside from the ways in which we're raised, many women desire these things on a very instinctual level. As humans, we're designed in God's image. We're designed for love. And as women, we're designed to bring forth life. It's instinct. It's nature. It's the way God created us, and it's ridiculously amazing when you think about it. It's just not a guarantee.

My instincts as a woman tell me to keep striving for pregnancy. That no child will be quite like my own. That nothing could compare to a little person that is half me and half my husband. But my instincts as a human, as an adopted daughter of God, tell me otherwise. And those are the instincts I hold tightly to these days.

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”
-Isaiah 43:5-7

Grey Skies

It's a gloomy day in Madison. In fact, it's a gloomy day in the Midwest. Talking to friends in various locations around the country this morning, grey skies seem to be prevailing. What happened to Spring?

It's a gloomy day in my heart. An old school mate died in a motorcycle accident on Friday. His mother needed to be dragged, kicking and screaming, from his dead body after sitting with him for over three hours in the morgue. Last night I arrived home to my neighbor walking up our driveway to apologize for not responding to our dinner invitation. Her 16-year-old nephew committed suicide on Sunday evening. The funeral was yesterday. She was wrecked, overwhelmed, exhausted.

In times like these, it's hard not to think about the incapacitating sadness that happens everyday in our world. The trials that people must endure. How do you move forward when your child is suddenly gone? Without any warning? As I was brushing my teeth last night, I couldn't help but ponder what life without children would be like. No fear of losing them. No worry that they will turn on you, hate you, live a life that destroys you. I've seen these all happen. And to good parents. Really good parents, including my own. I can't help but wonder if perhaps we're better off childless?

In the end, I don't honestly believe this is true for us. Just today. Just when I am confronted with mothers burying their children. It's not fair. It's not right. And so I will keep these folks in my heart and pray for them the words of Psalm 71...

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.
-Psalm 71:20-21

Signs

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom, my Grandma, and all the mothers before them. Without their love, dedication, and hard work, I would not be here today. I am both humbled and blessed to have been born into such a beautiful and strong line of women. Mom and Grandma, I hope you know just how much I love you two!

Thank you to those of you who showered me with encouragement this Mother's Day. Whether by text, card, email, Facebook, impromptu pedicure, or hope-inspiring gift, you flooded my day and weekend with love and support. In the midst of infertility's isolation, I felt remembered. Words can't even begin to describe how this lifted me up and sustained me through an oft bittersweet holiday. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

And thanks be to God for choosing today to unfold the beauty of our spring tulips. Only yesterday they were small buds, closed up like a tight fist. We couldn't believe how dramatically they had changed overnight. It was as if God, Himself, wanted to encourage me on Mother's Day. And perhaps remind me that like those tulips, situations can change at any moment. Often when we least expect them to. May this be a sign of brighter days to come on the journey towards motherhood...

For as [she] thinks in her heart, so is [she].
-Proverbs 23:7

There and Back Again: A Hassenzahl's Tale...

When Joel and I bought each other hiking backpacks as wedding gifts nearly seven years ago, we had no idea where life would take us. We only knew we wanted to be taken. This is one area of our lives where the desires of our hearts have been granted. When I think of the places we've seen, the people we've met, the things we've learned...I am humbled and so very grateful.

We've had the privilege of traveling all over the world...often together, sometimes apart. And this year is no different! There's nothing quite like the exhilaration of travel to take my mind off the constant dull ache of infertility. We love Madison. And we LOVE our Madison friends so very dearly. But sometimes it's refreshing to get a reprieve from what's become the "baby bubble." To open our eyes and expand our horizons...to see that in the grand scheme of things we're not alone and we're not behind. It just feels that way living in a town and church community where seemingly 1 in 3 women are brimming with new life. It's a beautiful thing, really. Just a hard pill to swallow for us fertility-challenged couples.

After a quick jaunt to Oklahoma City for a work conference, Joel and I will be boarding a flight to Nairobi, Kenya in July. This will be our fourth trip to Kenya, and our third time spending our anniversary in an airplane over the African continent. I'd say that's pretty fitting! There's honestly no place I'd rather be on my wedding anniversary, than squished into a tiny airplane seat, sipping mediocre airline wine out of plastic cups, with my hubby and most favorite travel buddy. Truly. This is not sarcasm, folks! Shocking...I know. And to say that Joel and I are excited about this trip would be an understatement. There will be much more blogging to come regarding this adventure...stay tuned!

We will return home from Kenya on July 18th. After a couple weeks of recuperation, which generally entails a great deal of sleep and a diet solely consisting of cereal, we will pack up the car and the dog and head north. To my motherland. To my oh-so-beautiful home state of Minnesota. The lakes of Minnesota have become our summer happy place. I'm very fortunate to have parents with homes on two of the most beautiful lakes in the state. I can't wait to lie in bed, listening to the call of the loons, after a day of playing in the water, relaxing in the sun, eating too much, drinking too much...well, you get the point.

To cap off the summer, I will once again be returning to a place that's quickly becoming my home away from home. Boulder, Colorado. I love this town. I adore the friends I've made there. And the Flatirons, with the Rocky Mountains behind them, are simply awe-inspiring. And the best part of it all? My travels to Boulder are almost always for work. Thus everything is paid for...either by my company or the research institution that I collaborate with there. Bliss. In fact, the building in the photo above is one of the two facilities I "work" at when I'm in Boulder. Pretty rough, right? (Note: You may need to click on the photo to see the building clearly).

As crazy as this summer will be, the very thought of it...the places I'll be, the faces I'll see...energizes my soul and refreshes my outlook on life. I am so very blessed. And so very thankful for springtime, which unfailingly ushers in clarity and a little skip in my step.

My lover spoke to me, saying: “Arise, my darling; My beautiful one, come away with me! Look! The winter has passed, the winter rains are over and gone. The pomegranates have appeared in the land, the time for pruning and singing has come; the voice of the turtledove is heard in our land. The fig tree has budded, the vines have blossomed and give off their fragrance. Arise, come away my darling; my beautiful one, come away with me!”
- Song of Songs 2:10-13

Follow-Up

Well, it appears as though Courtney, the blogging mama of 11 kids who inspired yesterday's post, got quite the mix of responses to her list of questions she regarded as "poor etiquette" (most of them I repeated here).

She wrote a follow-up post today that I think is worth a read. She makes some very good points. And as a wannabe adoptive parent, I love reading what she has to say. I hope you do, too...

http://www.storinguptreasures.com/2011/04/little-more-from-yesterday.html