Dear Ryann

Hello readers. As you've probably guessed, the adoption opportunity we were pursuing in Chicago has come to a close. There are a lot of unanswered questions and we are struggling to gain closure. All I can say is that the situation got messy and hazy, and in the end, I believe the birth mother just gave up and allowed life to take over. It's the sad reality of a life in poverty. And I wish it weren't so.

Joel and I are doing well despite it all. Although deeply saddened...for us, for the birth mother, for the child...we know it is time to move on and pursue other opportunities. Time will tell when those "other opportunities" will arise. Please continue to pray for us as we wait. Until then, we will seek closure on the last three months in any way we know how. For me it is to write a letter to the baby we thought would be ours. A little girl named, Ryann.

Dear Ryann,

Over the last three months, I have had the honor of getting to know your mother, learning about your strong-willed in-utero personality, dreaming about you, praying for you, and picturing what it would be like to have you as my daughter. To rock you to sleep, to feed you, hold you, and protect you. To give you a life full of love, laughter, and opportunity. But it wasn't meant to be.

Your mother and father are good people. But they have tough lives. I worry that they may not be able to provide for you and your siblings. However, knowing that you will not be separated from them brings me great comfort. They are your flesh and blood and they love you dearly. They are your connection to your roots and your past. A history we would not have been able to provide. And I am thankful you will now have that.

I have had your ultrasound picture pinned up in the kitchen for a couple of months now. While I know the opportunity to adopt you into our family has come to a close, I can't seem to take it down.  It's a reminder to pray for you daily and to keep hoping that you are safe and well. Your chubby little fist made me laugh from the first day I saw it. I imagined you as a feisty little toddler running around our house someday, and it made me smile.  You would have fit in perfectly with all the ladies in my family!  But more importantly, that tightly clenched fist assured me that God created a fight in you...a fight that will hopefully drive you to love deeply, dream wildly, and never let anyone take advantage of you. After all, you are a precious daughter of God no matter who raises you here on earth. I pray you will always know His great love for you.

And even though I will never get to call you "daughter", myself, I will always carry you with me in my heart.

Yours truly,
Holly

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty."
-2 Corinthians 6:18

Foundation

I had a dream last night. We were at church and there was a video playing, highlighting a group of young African children that we'd be supporting this holiday season. As I was walking out of the sanctuary, I noticed one of these children was hanging onto my arm. A little boy about four years old. I was swinging him along, playfully, as we walked through the atrium. He was wearing blue shorts and a green V-neck sweater...what most school children in Kenya wear. He was telling me a little bit about his life. He said he lived at Foundation Children's Center (or was it Foundation Children's Home?). I just know he called it Foundation. I remember my heart being pulled so strongly to him, knowing that I could love him as my own...that I wanted to love him as my own. And at one point I bent over to look at him and asked enthusiastically, "do you want to be adopted?!" I don't remember exactly what he said. But I know there was a smile. And I know that that's exactly what he wanted. To be adopted. And I knew I could do that.

I don't know what this dream means. Probably nothing. But it's been haunting me since I woke up this morning. I even Googled Foundation Children's Center. It turned up a lot of Children's Foundations and "such-and-such" Foundation for Children, etc. But nothing that quite fit. It's silly, I know. But he was so sweet. And it seemed so right. I guess I'm just longing to be a parent. And more than that, to make a difference in a child's life. I felt like I could make a difference in his. And for the brief moments I spent with him in my dream, the world made sense and my heart was full.

Since my dream, the word "foundation" keeps repeating in my head. Probably a hangover of sorts from my Google searches this morning. But then I came across the verse, below, in a fellow blogger's post (thanks, Jacob!). It's John 17:24. In the verse before it, we read that the Father has loved us, just as He has loved Jesus. And if this is true, then according to verse 24 we were loved before the foundation of the world...before it was ever even created. Before we were thrown into this seemingly chaotic thing called life. It's today's reminder that the God of the universe loves me. That He knows and cares how our adoption story will turn out. Because he crafted it before we ever came to be.

"Father, I desire that they also, whom you have given me, may be with me where I am, to see my glory that you have given me because you loved me before the foundation of the world."
-John 17:24 ESV