Summing it Up

I came across a quote today that I just had to share. It was posted on a blog I follow, and completely sums up what I have been feeling for so long...

"There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own."
-Robert Brault

Through the subtleties of our society and culture, most women are raised to desire a husband and a family. As little girls we play with dolls, we make believe, we watch Cinderella, we dream about our futures, we plan. But aside from the ways in which we're raised, many women desire these things on a very instinctual level. As humans, we're designed in God's image. We're designed for love. And as women, we're designed to bring forth life. It's instinct. It's nature. It's the way God created us, and it's ridiculously amazing when you think about it. It's just not a guarantee.

My instincts as a woman tell me to keep striving for pregnancy. That no child will be quite like my own. That nothing could compare to a little person that is half me and half my husband. But my instincts as a human, as an adopted daughter of God, tell me otherwise. And those are the instincts I hold tightly to these days.

"Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
I will bring your children from the east
and gather you from the west.
I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
everyone who is called by my name,
whom I created for my glory,
whom I formed and made.”
-Isaiah 43:5-7

Grey Skies

It's a gloomy day in Madison. In fact, it's a gloomy day in the Midwest. Talking to friends in various locations around the country this morning, grey skies seem to be prevailing. What happened to Spring?

It's a gloomy day in my heart. An old school mate died in a motorcycle accident on Friday. His mother needed to be dragged, kicking and screaming, from his dead body after sitting with him for over three hours in the morgue. Last night I arrived home to my neighbor walking up our driveway to apologize for not responding to our dinner invitation. Her 16-year-old nephew committed suicide on Sunday evening. The funeral was yesterday. She was wrecked, overwhelmed, exhausted.

In times like these, it's hard not to think about the incapacitating sadness that happens everyday in our world. The trials that people must endure. How do you move forward when your child is suddenly gone? Without any warning? As I was brushing my teeth last night, I couldn't help but ponder what life without children would be like. No fear of losing them. No worry that they will turn on you, hate you, live a life that destroys you. I've seen these all happen. And to good parents. Really good parents, including my own. I can't help but wonder if perhaps we're better off childless?

In the end, I don't honestly believe this is true for us. Just today. Just when I am confronted with mothers burying their children. It's not fair. It's not right. And so I will keep these folks in my heart and pray for them the words of Psalm 71...

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.
-Psalm 71:20-21

Signs

Happy Mother's Day to my Mom, my Grandma, and all the mothers before them. Without their love, dedication, and hard work, I would not be here today. I am both humbled and blessed to have been born into such a beautiful and strong line of women. Mom and Grandma, I hope you know just how much I love you two!

Thank you to those of you who showered me with encouragement this Mother's Day. Whether by text, card, email, Facebook, impromptu pedicure, or hope-inspiring gift, you flooded my day and weekend with love and support. In the midst of infertility's isolation, I felt remembered. Words can't even begin to describe how this lifted me up and sustained me through an oft bittersweet holiday. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

And thanks be to God for choosing today to unfold the beauty of our spring tulips. Only yesterday they were small buds, closed up like a tight fist. We couldn't believe how dramatically they had changed overnight. It was as if God, Himself, wanted to encourage me on Mother's Day. And perhaps remind me that like those tulips, situations can change at any moment. Often when we least expect them to. May this be a sign of brighter days to come on the journey towards motherhood...

For as [she] thinks in her heart, so is [she].
-Proverbs 23:7